Courage or Cowardice?

Let me begin this by saying that I have the greatest doctor ever.   She’s really amazing and I feel so lucky to live where I do and have access to such incredible medical care.  I have complete trust in her care and opinions, which I think is the most valuable thing in the world!

So I had my appointment with her,  my “boob doctor,”  a few weeks ago.   She reviewed my many recent test results (MRI, mammogram, sonogram..), felt me up a little, and then told me everything looked “Great!”  Then, she did what she always does as a fabulous doctor, which is ask me, “How are you doing?  Do you have anything else you want to ask me?”

I had been waiting for this moment for months, and I had a carefully-prepared paragraph sitting in my brain, just waiting to hit my tongue.  It would have begun something like,” I’m fine, but I decided I want to cut my boobs off..”

Instead, I heard myself say, “Everything’s fine!  What are your thoughts on soy?”  Now, the reality is that I really DID want to hear her thoughts on soy, but that was SO not what I had planned on asking.  The refrain about being ready for the surgery was playing over and over and over in my head like a broken record, and yet I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried, get the words to actually leave my mouth.

After I left, I couldn’t decide if what had happened was me following my heart (which I would consider courageous…) or if I’m simply too much of a coward to get this whole thing over with!  I mean, I know that I don’t want to do this until I’m really READY, and I think what my inability to communicate might have been telling me is that maybe I’m not as ready as I had originally thought.  In which case, I’d say I did the right thing.  Because this is not something you should do if you’re not completely emotionally ready for it.

I can’t help thinking, though, that maybe I’m just too much of a coward.  Is it possible, after watching two of my closest relatives suffer and die from the effects of cancer, that I don’t even have the guts to deal with a couple of ugly scars…

I really don’t think that’s it, and I certainly hope not.  I think I just need to do this on my own time. We’ll see what happens in 6 months at my next appointment…

In the meantime, feel your boobies (or have someone else feel them for you)!