Courage or Cowardice?

Let me begin this by saying that I have the greatest doctor ever.   She’s really amazing and I feel so lucky to live where I do and have access to such incredible medical care.  I have complete trust in her care and opinions, which I think is the most valuable thing in the world!

So I had my appointment with her,  my “boob doctor,”  a few weeks ago.   She reviewed my many recent test results (MRI, mammogram, sonogram..), felt me up a little, and then told me everything looked “Great!”  Then, she did what she always does as a fabulous doctor, which is ask me, “How are you doing?  Do you have anything else you want to ask me?”

I had been waiting for this moment for months, and I had a carefully-prepared paragraph sitting in my brain, just waiting to hit my tongue.  It would have begun something like,” I’m fine, but I decided I want to cut my boobs off..”

Instead, I heard myself say, “Everything’s fine!  What are your thoughts on soy?”  Now, the reality is that I really DID want to hear her thoughts on soy, but that was SO not what I had planned on asking.  The refrain about being ready for the surgery was playing over and over and over in my head like a broken record, and yet I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried, get the words to actually leave my mouth.

After I left, I couldn’t decide if what had happened was me following my heart (which I would consider courageous…) or if I’m simply too much of a coward to get this whole thing over with!  I mean, I know that I don’t want to do this until I’m really READY, and I think what my inability to communicate might have been telling me is that maybe I’m not as ready as I had originally thought.  In which case, I’d say I did the right thing.  Because this is not something you should do if you’re not completely emotionally ready for it.

I can’t help thinking, though, that maybe I’m just too much of a coward.  Is it possible, after watching two of my closest relatives suffer and die from the effects of cancer, that I don’t even have the guts to deal with a couple of ugly scars…

I really don’t think that’s it, and I certainly hope not.  I think I just need to do this on my own time. We’ll see what happens in 6 months at my next appointment…

In the meantime, feel your boobies (or have someone else feel them for you)!

To keep, or not to keep?

That is the question.

I have an appointment with my gynecologic oncologist on March 30th and I’m already thinking about it ALL of the time.  I saw her almost a year ago, and when I told her I thought I’d wait on having a prophylactic mastectomy until I was 30, she basically told me I was crazy.  After I gave her all of the information about my BRCA 2 mutation and my family history, she said “You need to get rid of your breasts by the time you’re 25.”

I was so shocked!  I mean, I don’t even particulary LIKE my breasts, but still, this was not what I expected at all.  Apparently they find that breast cancer in BRCA families tends to hit 10 years earlier with the next generation, and since all of the cancer in my family has been exceedingly young…

I’ve decided to have the surgery (as you can tell from the article I posted last time!), but I haven’t decided if this appointment, on March 30th, is going to be the day that I say “Yes, send me to a surgeon for a consultation.”  I have 3 weeks to make up my mind.  Wish me luck!