A BRCA Spin on Love and Relationships

I had my very first request for content from one of my readers!  The fact that I even have “readers” made me ecstatic to begin with, so of course, I’m going to fulfill this young man’s request, especially because it’s a really good one.  He is a man who’s girlfriend recently found out about her BRCA mutation, and he wants to know how to move forward and support her and what the implications are for their relationship.  Read on…

When I first found out about my BRCA status, an extremely callous doctor said something horrific to me.  He told me to go out and find a guy to marry me and to have kids quick so that I could get my breasts and ovaries removed as soon as possible.  He didn’t, however, offer me up any willing and able bachelors to whom I could say, “Hi, I’m Lisa.  You’re cute and I need to have babies fast because I’m probably going to get cancer.  So will you marry me??” You can read more about this experience in a piece I did for the FORCE newsletter here: http://www.facingourrisk.org/newsletter/2008spring/voices.html

After this experience, I was completely scarred.  Because this idiot planted the seed in my mind, I was sure that no one would want me.  And the worst part was,  I didn’t think they SHOULD want me.  I remember thinking “Well if I were a guy, I don’t know if I’d be able to deal with that if a girl told me.” Or “I’m asking for so much- how can I expect any guy to handle this when he could just have a normal girl?”  I thought that I should walk through life wearing a warning label in order to be fair to those who may decide to love me.

I now realize that that entire link of thinking is completely wacky, and I’ll tell you about what happened instead of the above scenario.

A little over two years ago, I met up with an old friend who I had dated for a brief period in high school.  In the course of one night, I fell madly in love with him.  All of my precautions and worries and everything else went out the window. I knew that no matter what, I wanted to be with him.  Luckily enough, he felt the same way.  In the beginning of our relationship, I avoided the “mutation” talk.  However, this guy had known me my entire life.  He knew that I lost both my mother and aunt to cancer, and he knew I volunteered for FORCE.  What he didn’t know were the statistics.

So after a few months, when I really knew for sure that it was for real and we were going to dive into something bigger than ourselves, I told him everything. Through a haze of tears and awkward pauses I let it all flood out- statistics, surgeries, emotions- everything laid out.  And I gave him an out.  I said “It’s ok if you can’t deal with this. I will understand.”  In a way, I was being honest.  I wouldn’t blame him for walking away, especially because I do not want to spend my life with someone who cannot handle the seriously heavy things that every couple at some point must encounter.

After I had told him everything, he looked dazed.  I looked at him expectantly and he said something like, “Well, this is much worse than I thought.  But I didn’t know you could do something about it.  So good- you’ll just do something about it.”  He was referring to me having a prophylactic mastectomy.

I couldn’t believe how amazing he was.  Of course, your girlfriend having her breasts removed is not the ideal situation, but he assured me that the most important thing was that I LIVE, and that, in reality, is the bottom line.

We have low moments, where I worry he won’t think I’m beautiful anymore. He won’t think I’m sexy.  I’ll get sick and leave him all alone.  It is not an easy thing by any means, and I constantly struggle with what I will look like after the surgery and how both of us will feel about my body.  But he assures me that whatever happens, what matters is that we’re in it together, and really, that’s the bottom line.

Three important things to remember:

1. You have to be supportive of her in whatever she decides to do.  You may not always understand or agree, but you have to trust that she is doing what she feels is best.

2. Reconstruction these days is often AWESOME.  If your girlfriend is thinking about surgery, her boobs will most likely look really good when it’s all over.  No, they won’t look the same- but the scars will fade in time, and no matter how old she gets, they will NEVER sag. J

3. Having a BRCA mutation is NOT a death sentence AND many people have genetic mutations and simply don’t know.  If you ditch your girl for a more “normal” one, chances are she’s got something that runs in her family that they just aren’t aware of.  Or, maybe she’ll get hit by a bus tomorrow…you just don’t know, so why make decisions based on what “might” happen?

In reality, there are times when my boyfriend and I are both scared, but life is full of scary situations, big decisions and a constant effort to make the most out of the little time we have.  If you’re anything like me, you’ll figure out that the best way to do that is to grab onto love and hold tight, if you’re lucky enough to find it.  Once you do that, whatever happens, when it comes to it, you’ll do what you have to do.